“Life is a journey”…If I had a dollar for each time someone has said this to me over the years, more and more recently, I would have enough money to buy a small place on the beach in the middle of nowhere.
Another appointment yesterday that turned into more of a hopeless, frustrated state of mind instead of one filled of hope for the future. As I am sitting on the chair facing the doctor’s desk, he launches into this big speech about fluidity, grace, and rest. How my body is so wrapped up in tension and hyper-vigilance, that it can’t rest and just be. He continues to go on and on about how I need to ‘just be’ and let life’s journey unfold.
The whole time, I am sitting there – my mind spiraling out of control: What do people think I do all day, try to create stress and trauma for my body? Do they really think that I don’t want to get better and that I am intentionally keeping myself in a state of hyper-vigilance? Don’t they know how unsafe this world is? Do people think that I am not standing up straight and opening myself up on purpose? Don’t they realize that EVERYTHING I do is with the intention of helping my body heal and get over the obstacles of this so called life?
And then the doctor says something along the lines of life is a journey and there is no end; no final “I did it” moment. Those words immediately flipped my internal switch off. My mind went blank. There has to be a reason why I am doing all of this. All of the hours of stretching, moving, resting, exercising, reading, appointments, learning about rest and mindfulness. In my mind, there has to be a reason, or there is no point to this exhausting climb through and out of the pit that Lyme has created in my life.
There are so many things about the appointment yesterday that rubbed me the wrong way and caused me to question everything. I think the main thing that has been fogging up my mind is the thought that I just want someone to tell me that I am doing enough without adding something else onto my plate. I want to be enough.
But it’s not really about what other people think, it is about what I think. Over the last few months and weeks I have come to realize that I don’t really value myself as a whole person. I see myself as multiple parts. I am a dysfunctional body. I am a restless and dark mind. I am a pained spirit. I can’t even view myself as a whole and allow myself to be kind enough to step back and let myself be enough.
How do you accept yourself when there is so much that you dislike and avoid? Seriously, how do you allow yourself to become its truly authentic self?