Over the years, my friend/support group has slowly dwindled down to a few people. At times, I feel like I don’t even know how to be a good friend and the relationships that I do have make me very anxious because I don’t feel like I am ‘doing it right.’
Recently, someone whom I used to know years ago has tried to get in touch with me. I am scary good at ignoring people when I don’t want to interact with them, but this person has been particularly persistent (I guess she can’t take the hint). She is not someone who I will ever be friends with again due to so much hurt and pain that has occurred since she fell off the face of the earth after I got sick. Over the years, I have purposefully avoided all people ‘who I used to know’ and let my anger and bitterness fester. I mean, who wants to deal with those emotions? Anyway, she is the first one who has tried to re-enter my life.
As I was typing out a reply to her, I realized that I am not as angry and bitter as I once was. I am certainly annoyed, and somewhat shocked, that she suddenly wants to be part of my life again but I don’t feel a burning hatred. In fact, her persistence has caused me to want to try harder at the relationships that I do have. The people who have stuck with me throughout the years are AWESOME. Lyme has changed me into a completely different person and they stayed with me through all of the boring nights, the long days in bed, and my countless emotional roller coaster rides. They are the ones that I want to rebuild and life my life with. They have proved over and over their loyalty. My road to recovery is not only mine, it also belongs to the people that have helped me along the way.
This girl who wants to ‘catch up’ with me has achieved her lifelong dream and I think I am actually okay with that. I wish her the best, but our relationship is not going to go back to what it was – it’s over. Some people think that past hurts need to be talked about, worked through, and forgiven. But maybe they just need to be dealt with, forgiven, and then one needs to continue on with their life.
I don’t want to allow the people that I used to know to keep dragging me down. I want to be able to forgiven them enough, and in my own time, in order to move on and be able to pour my limited energy into the people who never stopped loving me; who didn’t walk away when it got tough and uncomfortable.