Lyme Disease · Mental Health · Stuff and Things

“What If” — Love It or Hate It

Spring is finally here! Days of warmer weather and sun are more predominant. Flowers are blooming, grass is growing. My window is open and a soft breeze is playing with the curtains. The air is clean and people are getting ready for summer – making plans: jobs, vacations, etc.

Although I am incredibly grateful for the warm sun and the chances to wear my dresses, I can’t help thinking that it is deja vu for me. Each Spring since I have gotten sick, I get antsy to go out and live the life that I want, the way that I want to and it is essentially the same story each year with some tweaking. I start looking for a part-time job that I think I can handle. I start having all of these ideas of what else I can do to get myself better so that I can “start my life.”

But this year, I am scared of the ending. In the past, as the seasons change and Summer turns to Fall, my body starts to fall apart on me all over again (or so it seems). I have to eventually quit my job and up my treatments. Heartbreak.

For some reason, this Spring I especially feel the fight within myself. Part of me is getting antsy and wants to get on with things – find a job, move out, maintain my health. But the other part of me doesn’t want to do anything. It is terrifing because I have already tried again and failed so many times. Why set myself up, when I know that this Spring/Summer could all end up in disappointment, yet again?

Then the positive side of me counters with, “Oh, but what if…it actually happens this time…you make it through the Spring and Summer and can actually maintain all the way through the colder months of Fall and Winter…what if…” Now this part of me is not very loud at all, in fact, it is more of an inaudible thought, but man, it gets me every time. That little, inaudible thought keeps me going everytime. Sometimes I love it, but most of the time I hate it.

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